Taser Gun ...Very Funny

sisco55 · #1 (**permalink**) 01-26-2010

A Little Knowledge Can Be A Dangerous Thing!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely
wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....

'WAY TOOCOOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs..
AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face
of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance
that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and ....

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my
legs

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it
again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in
shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."